When a Child Is Anxious: Five Ways Adults Can Help

A child who refuses to enter a classroom, asks the same question repeatedly or suddenly stops going to an activity they used to enjoy may be showing you that something feels difficult. Anxiety does not always arrive with the words “I’m worried”. It can look like irritability, stomach aches, trouble sleeping, withdrawal or a need for constant reassurance.

For the adults around that child, the question is often: How do I help without making things worse? There is no single response that fits every child, but these five steps offer a useful place to start.

1. Get curious before offering reassurance

When a child says, “I can’t go in,” it is tempting to want to offer reassurance and reply “You’ll be fine.” You may well be right, but you still don’t know what going in means to them. Are they worried about being separated from a parent? Getting an answer wrong? A particular child? The noise in the room?

Try asking, “What’s the hardest part?” or “What do you think might happen?” Younger children may find it easier to draw the worry, point to where they feel it in their body or talk while doing something else. Listen before deciding what the problem is. The NHS advises adults to take children’s worries seriously and work with them to understand what is making them anxious.

2. Acknowledge the feeling without confirming the feared outcome

“You seem worried about speaking in front of the class” tells a child you have noticed their experience. “Everyone will laugh at you” treats their prediction as a fact. There is a difference.

You might say: “I can see this feels frightening. Let’s work out what would help you take the next step.” That leaves room for both compassion and possibility. It also avoids arguing a child out of a feeling they are already having.

3. Look at the situation, not only the child

Anxiety can sometimes be a response to a problem that needs attention. A child who dreads the playground might be worried about bullying, friendship difficulties or sensory overload. A child who avoids lessons might be struggling with the work, a relationship or an aspect of the environment.

Ask what happens before, during and after the difficult moment. Parents and carers may see the build-up at home, whereas teachers and support staff may notice a pattern during the day. Putting those observations together can reveal a practical change: a clearer morning plan, a quieter place to arrive, help with a friendship issue or support with schoolwork. The NHS specifically recommends working with a child and their school to identify problems and find solutions together.

4. Make the next step manageable

Avoiding something frightening can bring immediate relief, which makes it understandable that a child wants to keep avoiding it. Equally, pushing them into a situation before you understand their concern can add to their distress. The aim is to find a step they can attempt with support.

For a child anxious about joining a group activity, that might mean visiting the room beforehand, arriving with a familiar adult, watching for a few minutes and then joining one part of the activity. Ask afterwards what was difficult and what helped. You can use that information to plan the next step rather than treating the first attempt as a pass or fail.

If there is a genuine problem, such as bullying, deal with that problem first. A child should not be expected to practise tolerating an unsafe situation.

5. Agree how the adults will respond

A child may receive different messages from different adults, each trying to help. One person might repeatedly promise that nothing bad will happen; another might insist the child simply gets on with it. A shared approach makes support more predictable.

It need not be complicated. Agree what you will say when the worry appears, what practical support is available, and when you will review the plan. Give the child a say in it wherever possible. This matters particularly when anxiety affects school attendance or crosses between home, school and other settings.

One useful action this week: choose a situation in which a child is struggling and ask three questions: What are they worried might happen? Is there a problem we need to address? What is one manageable next step we can agree together?

If anxiety is persistent, worsening or interfering with a child’s everyday life, seek further help through their GP, school nurse or school support team. The NHS guidance on anxiety in children explains when to ask for support.

Helping Your Whole Team Respond with Confidence

Parents, carers, teachers and support workers often want to help, but they may not have had the chance to think these situations through together. In Calm Horizons: Helping Children with Anxiety, we explore how anxiety affects children and young people, practise ways of communicating with them and develop strategies your team can use in its own setting.

The full-day workshop is delivered live online for groups wherever they are based, with in-person options in East Anglia. Find out more and book Calm Horizons for your group.