Why We Pull Closer or Push People Away: Understanding Attachment

Attachment theory seems to be everywhere at the moment. It appears in relationship podcasts, TikTok videos, bestselling books and conversations about everything from dating and friendships to family tensions and workplace dynamics. People happily describe themselves as anxious, avoidant, secure or fearful-avoidant, sometimes within minutes of meeting someone.

For many, this language can feel genuinely helpful. It can provide an explanation for relationship patterns that previously seemed confusing or impossible to change.

Why do I panic when someone takes longer than usual to reply?

Why do I lose interest as soon as a relationship starts becoming serious?

Why do I desperately want closeness, but then feel trapped when I get it?

Attachment theory can help us make sense of these reactions. However, it can also become misleading when complex human behaviour is reduced to a simple label.

Used thoughtfully, attachment theory can increase self-awareness and help us build healthier relationships. Used too rigidly, it can leave people feeling permanently damaged, or encourage them to make sweeping assumptions about themselves and others.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory was originally developed in the 1950s by the British psychiatrist John Bowlby.

In simple terms, it suggests that our early experiences with caregivers help shape what we expect from close relationships.

When care is generally consistent, emotionally available and dependable, we are more likely to learn that other people can be trusted. We may feel reasonably comfortable asking for support, expressing our needs and allowing others to become close to us.

Yet when care is unpredictable, emotionally distant or inconsistent, we may develop strategies to protect ourselves from disappointment, rejection or abandonment.

These strategies are not conscious decisions. They are often automatic ways of responding that developed because they once helped us cope.

The difficulty is that a strategy which was protective earlier in life may become less helpful in adult relationships.

The four attachment styles

Attachment theory is commonly described in terms of four broad styles.

Secure attachment

People with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with both closeness and independence.

They can usually communicate their needs, trust other people and seek support when they are struggling. They can tolerate disagreements without immediately fearing that the relationship is over.

Secure attachment does not mean someone is perfectly confident, never feels jealous or always handles relationships well. It simply means that closeness generally feels safe rather than threatening.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment is often associated with fears of rejection, abandonment or not being valued.

Someone with anxious tendencies may seek frequent reassurance and become highly aware of small changes in another person’s behaviour. A shorter message, a different tone of voice or a delayed response may feel highly significant.

They may find themselves wondering:

“Have I done something wrong?”

“Are they losing interest?”

“Are they going to leave?”

This heightened sensitivity can make relationships feel emotionally intense and uncertain.

Avoidant attachment

People with avoidant tendencies often place a strong value on independence and self-reliance.

They may find it difficult to depend on others, express vulnerable feelings or ask for emotional support. As a relationship becomes closer, they may begin to feel uncomfortable, restricted or overwhelmed.

Someone may genuinely want a relationship, but then find themselves focusing on their partner’s flaws, losing interest or withdrawing when intimacy increases.

This does not necessarily mean that they do not care. In some cases, distance has become their way of managing emotional threat.

Fearful-avoidant attachment

Fearful-avoidant attachment involves a conflict between wanting closeness and being frightened of it.

Someone may long for connection and reassurance, but also fear rejection, betrayal or losing their independence. They may move towards another person one moment and pull away the next.

This can be confusing for both people involved. The relationship may alternate between intense closeness and sudden withdrawal.

Why has attachment theory become so popular?

One reason attachment theory has become so widely discussed is that it gives people an accessible language for experiences that are otherwise difficult to explain.

It can help someone understand why they repeatedly choose emotionally unavailable partners, why they become overwhelmed by uncertainty or why they withdraw just as a relationship begins to feel meaningful.

Social media, relationship podcasts, television programmes and popular books have all helped bring these ideas into mainstream culture.

There is also something reassuring about discovering that a confusing pattern has a name. It can reduce shame and help people recognise that their reactions are not random.

However, that same simplicity can also become a problem.

The danger of turning attachment styles into labels

Attachment styles are sometimes presented online as though they are fixed personality types or clinical diagnoses, but they are neither.

Of course it can be tempting to say:

“I am avoidant, so relationships will never work for me.”

“My partner is anxious, so they will always be demanding.”

“That person is fearful-avoidant, so I should stay away from them.”

These statements may sound psychologically informed, but they flatten a complex person into a category.

Human behaviour is influenced by many factors, including temperament, previous relationships, trauma, stress, culture, mental health, current circumstances and the behaviour of the other person.

Attachment theory can absolutely explain part of what is happening, but it should not be used to explain (or justify!) everything, as labels can also be used to excuse behaviour. Someone might say that they disappear for days because they are avoidant, or that they repeatedly check a partner’s phone because they are anxiously attached.

Understanding where a behaviour comes from can help us respond with compassion, but it does not remove responsibility for its impact.

Attachment theory can be at its most helpful when it encourages reflection, rather than becoming a way of avoiding accountability.

Attachment styles are not fixed

One of the most important points, and one that is often lost online, is that attachment patterns can of course change.

Research suggests that attachment can show some stability over time, but it is not set in stone.

Our expectations of relationships continue to be shaped throughout life. Adolescence, friendships, romantic relationships, break-ups, bereavement, therapy and other significant experiences can all influence how safe or unsafe closeness feels.

Someone who has had unreliable or painful relationships may gradually become more secure through repeated experiences of being treated with consistency, respect and care.

And as you're probably well aware, change isn't always quick. More entrenched patterns may take time and professional support to work through. However, people are not permanently trapped in the attachment strategies they learned earlier in life.

Different relationships can bring out different patterns

It is also possible to feel relatively secure in one relationship and anxious or avoidant in another.

You may feel calm and trusting with a long-standing friend, but highly anxious in romantic relationships. You may feel close to a partner but avoid emotional vulnerability with family members.

This is important because it shows that attachment is not simply a permanent trait located inside one person. It is also shaped by the relationship itself.

A dependable, responsive person may help us feel more secure. An inconsistent or unpredictable person may activate fears and protective behaviours that are less noticeable elsewhere.

But this doesn't mean that another person is entirely responsible for our reactions. It simply reminds us that relationships are interactive systems. Both people influence what happens between them.

How security develops through small interactions

Psychiatrist Amir Levine, one of the authors of the bestselling book Attached, has recently focused on how people become more secure.

He describes the importance of “seemingly insignificant minor interactions”, or SIMIs.

These are the small moments that gradually teach us what to expect from other people.

A friend remembers to ask how an important meeting went.

A partner follows through on a promise.

Someone notices that you are quiet and checks whether you are all right.

You send a message and receive a warm, reliable response.

None of these moments may seem especially dramatic. However, repeated experiences of responsiveness can gradually provide evidence that other people are trustworthy and emotionally available.

The reverse can also happen. Repeated cancellations, inconsistent communication or promises that are not kept can create uncertainty and activate the nervous system’s threat response.

Not every delayed reply is evidence of an attachment problem - people are busy, distracted and imperfect, which is why we ned to look at the broader pattern.

Can insecure attachment have strengths?

Despite how they're often presented online, attachment styles cannot be divided too neatly into “good” and “bad”.

Someone with anxious tendencies may be extremely perceptive about other people’s emotions. They may notice subtle changes in tone, mood or behaviour that others miss.

Someone with avoidant tendencies may be highly independent, resourceful and able to remain calm in a crisis, and these qualities can be real strengths.

The difficulty arises when a pattern becomes rigid or extreme. Sensitivity can turn into constant monitoring. Independence can become emotional isolation. A wish for reassurance can become difficult for a partner to sustain. A need for space can become withdrawal without explanation.

Independence, sensitivity or caution can all be useful and important in their own right, but it is also important to develop flexibility and choice.

How to use attachment theory constructively

The most useful question is not simply:

“What attachment style am I?”

A better starting point is to become curious about what happens in particular situations.

You might ask yourself:

• What happens when I begin to feel emotionally close to someone?
• What do I assume when another person becomes less available?
• Do I ask directly for reassurance, or express my anxiety through criticism, withdrawal or repeated checking?
• Do I genuinely need space, or am I distancing myself because vulnerability feels uncomfortable?
• Which relationships help me feel safe, calm and understood?
• What do those relationships have that others do not?
• How do I respond when someone expresses a need or sets a boundary?
• What patterns keep repeating in my relationships?

These questions are more useful than applying a label and treating it as a final explanation, as they help us identify what we do, what triggers it and what we might try differently.

Building greater security

Developing more secure patterns does not require becoming completely independent or never needing reassurance.

Security is partly about being able to recognise our needs and communicate them in a direct, proportionate way.

This might involve saying:

“I noticed I felt worried when I didn’t hear from you. Could we talk about how we communicate when one of us is busy?”

Rather than:

“You clearly don’t care about me.”

It may mean telling someone that you need time to think, rather than disappearing without explanation.

It can also involve spending more time with people who are consistent, respectful and emotionally safe.

Therapy can be helpful when attachment patterns are causing significant distress or repeatedly interfering with relationships. A therapeutic relationship can provide a space to notice these patterns as they occur and explore different ways of responding.

Attachment Theory as a Framework rather than a diagnosis

Attachment theory can be enormously helpful when it gives us language for patterns that once felt confusing.

It can help us understand why we react strongly to distance, why intimacy sometimes feels threatening and why certain relationship dynamics repeat. However, it should be used as a framework rather than a diagnostic tool. 

An attachment style is not a diagnosis. It does not describe everything about a person, and it does not determine the future of a relationship.

Instead of saying:

“This is simply who I am.”

Try saying:

“This may be a pattern I have learned. I can begin to understand it, take responsibility for it and gradually learn new ways of relating.”

Attachment theory becomes genuinely useful when it opens the possibility of change instead of gives us yet another label.

If attachment patterns are repeatedly causing distress or affecting your relationships, therapy can provide a safe space to understand where those reactions come from and begin developing different ways of responding. You can find out more about individual and couples therapy here.