Valentine’s Day When You’re Single: Why I Often Suggest Marking It Anyway

February has arrived. The days are still short, the weather is rarely kind, and by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around there’s often a sense of being emotionally ambushed by hearts, roses, and the implication that being coupled is the gold standard of happiness. For many of my clients, especially those who are single, Valentine’s Day can feel awkward at best and painful at worst. It’s not uncommon to want the day to be over as quickly as possible, preferably with minimal contact with social media.

And yet, I often suggest doing the opposite. Rather than ignoring Valentine’s Day altogether, I sometimes encourage clients to mark it deliberately, intentionally, and on their own terms. This can be a way of taking the day back from a cultural story that suggests love only counts when it comes from someone else.

One of the reasons Valentine’s Day can sting is that it taps into deeper beliefs about worth, desirability, and being chosen. For clients already working through themes of rejection, abandonment, or self-criticism, the cultural messaging around this day can quietly reinforce the idea that something is missing or wrong. Avoidance can feel protective, but it can also leave those beliefs unchallenged, sitting comfortably in the background.

Marking the day differently can be a gentle way of interrupting that pattern. Doing something for yourself on Valentine’s Day sends a very different psychological message: namely that care, attention, and kindness are not at all conditional on your relationship status. This might be as simple as planning a meal you genuinely enjoy, booking time for rest, or doing something slightly indulgent that you would normally talk yourself out of. You don't have to do anything too extravagant (unless, of course, you'd like to!) just be intentional in how you choose to mark the day for yourself.

Sometimes I suggest something that initially makes people laugh or cringe slightly, and that is writing a Valentine’s card to yourself. Clients often initially reject the idea, as it tends to make them feel awkward, self-conscious, or even a bit silly. But it’s often in that discomfort that something useful happens, and I usually say "the more cringeworthy you are finding this, the more important it is for you to try it out!" Writing a card to yourself invites you to slow down and notice how you speak to yourself when no one else is watching. Is your tone kind, appreciative, warm, and supportive? Or do you struggle to find anything to say?

For some clients, the card becomes a place to acknowledge survival, resilience, for others, it’s an opportunity to practise speaking to themselves with the same compassion they readily offer to their friends and loved ones. From a psychological perspective, this kind of exercise supports the development of self-soothing and self-validation, both, which are skills that are foundational for emotional regulation and healthier relationships of all kinds, including romantic ones.

Importantly, this isn’t about replacing the desire for connection or pretending that relationships don’t matter. Humans are relational beings, and longing for closeness is not a flaw. Marking Valentine’s Day for yourself doesn't mean that you have to be happy about being single, but it’s a way of widening the definition of love so that it includes how you treat yourself.

If Valentine’s Day has been something you usually endure rather than engage with, it might be worth experimenting this year. Not because you “should” feel empowered or positive, but because small, intentional acts can shift how you experience yourself in moments that are otherwise loaded with expectation. Even a single gesture of care can challenge the idea that your value depends on someone else recognising it.