High Conflict Couples in Therapy

When couples decide to come to therapy, it’s often because something in the relationship feels too heavy to carry alone. For high conflict couples, though, that “something” can feel like a storm that never ends. Arguments spiral quickly, emotions run high, and both partners may feel as though they’re locked in a battle with no way out. Therapy can be an invaluable space for these couples, but it can also feel daunting if every session threatens to turn into another round of the same fight.

What High Conflict Looks Like in Couples Therapy

High conflict doesn’t necessarily mean shouting or throwing things (though sometimes it does!) More often, it shows up in recurring patterns of blame, defensiveness, or escalation. Sessions with high conflict couples might include:

• Frequent interruptions and raised voices: Each partner struggles to feel heard, leading to constant talking over one another.

• Escalation cycles: A small disagreement in the room quickly spirals into a full-blown argument, sometimes about issues that weren’t the focus at all.

• Emotional flooding: One or both partners become overwhelmed by strong emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, and find it hard to think or speak clearly.

• Alliance testing: Sometimes one partner may try to “pull” the therapist onto their side, hoping for validation, which can heighten the sense of opposition.

• Repetition of the same themes: Issues come back again and again because the deeper needs underneath aren’t being addressed.

From the couple’s perspective, it can feel exhausting. They may enter the room already tense, fearing the session will turn into another fight. They may also feel hopeless, convinced the therapist will see them as “too much” or “beyond repair.”

Why Conflict Escalates

Conflict in relationships is normal, every couple disagrees sometimes. The difference with high conflict couples is that disagreements become entrenched patterns. Instead of resolving, arguments loop back on themselves, often fuelled by deeper vulnerabilities such as fear of rejection, abandonment, or not feeling valued. Each partner becomes more focused on defending their position than on listening or connecting.

Stress outside the relationship, like work pressures, financial strain, and past trauma, can also add fuel. In therapy, this means the conflict may not just be about what’s happening between the two partners now, but about older wounds being re-activated in the present.

How Therapy Can Help

If you’re a high conflict couple, therapy doesn’t mean rehashing your arguments in front of a referee. A skilled therapist will structure the space carefully to slow down escalation and help you find safer ways to connect. Here’s what that might look like:

1. Setting clear boundaries: Your therapist may stop you if voices rise or if one partner dominates the conversation. This isn’t about taking sides, but about protecting the space so both of you can feel safe enough to speak and listen.

2. Slowing things down: High conflict often thrives on speed and shows as reacting before thinking. In therapy, you’ll be encouraged to pause, reflect, and respond more mindfully.

3. Identifying patterns, not winners: Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong, the therapist will help you both notice the cycle you get caught in. Once you can see the cycle, you can begin to change it.

4. Building emotional regulation: It’s hard to solve anything when you’re in fight-or-flight mode. Therapists often work on calming strategies, such as breathing, grounding, or even taking time-outs in order to help both partners stay present.

5. Finding the unmet needs: Beneath anger there is often fear or hurt. Therapy provides space to explore those softer emotions that usually get buried in conflict. Recognising and expressing these can change the dynamic completely.

6. Developing new communication skills: This might include learning how to listen without interrupting, how to express needs without criticism, or how to disagree respectfully without escalating.

What You Can Do if You’re in a High Conflict Relationship

Coming to therapy as a high conflict couple takes courage, and progress can feel slow at times. Here are some approaches that can help you get the most from your sessions:

• Arrive with the mindset of learning, not winning. Therapy isn’t about proving your point, but about understanding what’s happening between you.

• Be willing to pause. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for a moment. Taking a breath doesn't mean “giving in” instead it’s giving the relationship a chance to reset.

• Stay open to looking inward. It’s tempting to focus on your partner’s faults, but meaningful change often comes when both people reflect on their own triggers and contributions to the conflict.

• Practise outside the room. Therapy sessions are important, but what you do between sessions, for example trying out new ways of listening or calming yourself can make the difference.

• Recognise progress, however small. High conflict couples often want big breakthroughs, but noticing the moments where you manage a disagreement differently is key to building hope.

A Final Thought

Being in a high conflict relationship doesn’t mean your partnership is doomed. It means the way you’ve learned to handle differences isn’t working right now. With the right support, high conflict couples can build resilience, strengthen trust, and discover new ways of connecting. Therapy provides a space where the storm can be slowed down long enough to notice what’s really happening and, crucially, to begin changing it. Having said that, you will need to show a real willingness to change before starting therapy, and often that change is only possible with some good will and openness from both partners.