When Self-Care Isn’t Working: What to Try Instead 

We’ve all heard it: Run a bath, light a candle, do some journaling. In theory, these are lovely things. And a lot of the time they do help. But what happens when you’ve already ticked all the boxes on your self-care checklist and you still feel flat, anxious, or overwhelmed?

Here’s the truth: sometimes your every day self-care activities just aren’t enough. Not because you’re doing it wrong, and certainly not because there’s something wrong with you, but because deeper emotional struggles often need something a little more layered than scented candles and a gratitude app.

I see this a lot in clients who come to therapy already doing the “right” things. They’re meditating. They’re walking regularly. They’re eating well enough. And yet, they’re still waking up with a weight in their chest or feeling like they’re constantly on the edge of burnout. That’s not failure. It’s a sign that something deeper might be asking for attention.

So, what’s the difference between self-soothing and emotional processing? Self-soothing is about helping the nervous system feel safe and calm in the moment. It’s absolutely essential, and it’s a great starting point. But emotional processing goes further, it’s about allowing yourself to feel, make sense of, and integrate what’s underneath the surface. And that often requires a bit more support and intention.

If self-care isn’t quite cutting it, here are a few alternatives that might help shift things at a deeper level:

Name what’s really going on:
Sometimes we default to surface-level self-care because we’re not actually sure what we’re feeling. Start by asking yourself: “What’s the emotion I’m avoiding right now?” It could be anger, grief, fear, shame, or something a lot more subtle, like disappointment. Labelling our emotions (what psychologists call affect labelling) has been shown to reduce their intensity. It’s a simple but powerful first step - just remember to stick to the “what” and avoid the “why” for this step. 

Create space for the emotion rather than just reacting to it:
Often, we try to fix feelings immediately. But sometimes what we really need is to witness them without rushing to soothe them away. Try sitting with a feeling for a few minutes. This is not to analyse it, but just to notice where it shows up in your body, what it’s trying to tell you, and what it needs. Emotional processing doesn’t always look like action, sometimes it looks like compassion.

Get curious about your coping patterns:
Self-care routines can sometimes mask overfunctioning. Are you always trying to stay busy to avoid stillness? Are you using ‘healthy habits’ to distract from something that feels too vulnerable to touch? This is the step where becoming curious about why you’re doing what you’re doing can be just as important as the behaviour itself.

Make room for relational self-care:
Not everything can (or should!) be dealt with alone. Sometimes what we need isn’t another solo ritual, but connection. That might mean reaching out to a trusted friend, talking to a therapist, or joining a space where you feel seen and supported. Emotional healing often happens in relationship, not isolation.

Reframe self-care as boundary-setting:
Rather than adding more tasks to your plate, consider what you might remove. Saying no, cancelling that commitment, muting that WhatsApp group, or choosing rest over productivity might be far more nourishing than any skincare routine. Sometimes the most powerful act of self-care is giving yourself permission to stop.

It’s OK to feel frustrated when the usual advice doesn’t land. That frustration is often a sign that you’re ready for something deeper, something more honest, more relational, more tailored to the unique shape of your experience.

So yes, run the bath if it helps. Light the candle. But also give yourself permission to look beyond the surface. Real healing doesn’t always look pretty or Instagram-worthy, but it’s real, and it’sdefinitely worth it.